Can we have a jokes thread?

If it ain't amber or ain't football then it belongs here!
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » April 7th, 2019, 11:37 pm

Love a good joke me, rib-tickling, mildly smutty, anything to brighten the day. Here's one I heard which made me laugh -

The wife asked whether I loved her or football the most. I replied "Open your legs and I'll show you".

Nutmegged her.
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pembsexile

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby pembsexile » April 8th, 2019, 6:44 am

A Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were at a football game watching their young sons play. At the end of the game they introduced their sons to each other. The Welshman says, 'this is my son David, we call him that because he was born on St David's day'. The Scotsman says, 'meet my son Andrew, we call him that because he was born on St Andrews day'. The Irishman says, ' meet my son Pancake'.

No offence intended - honestly. Welsh jokes welcome.
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mad norm

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby mad norm » April 8th, 2019, 1:24 pm

pembsexile wrote:A Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were at a football game watching their young sons play. At the end of the game they introduced their sons to each other. The Welshman says, 'this is my son David, we call him that because he was born on St David's day'. The Scotsman says, 'meet my son Andrew, we call him that because he was born on St Andrews day'. The Irishman says, ' meet my son Pancake'. :grin:

No offence intended - honestly. Welsh jokes welcome.
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penycwm county

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby penycwm county » April 9th, 2019, 7:38 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
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Stan A. Einstein

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » April 9th, 2019, 10:03 pm

As I walked out in the streets of Carrick this morning I saw a very odd sight. There was a man in running shoes, shorts and an athletics vest. In his hands he held a long fibre glass rod.

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I enquired.

"No." He replied, "I am a Slovak, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » April 9th, 2019, 11:23 pm

A man parks his car in a disabled space in a car park. The parking warden, who is on his first day in the job notices that there is no disability sticker on the car and taps on the window.

"Excuse me sir, do you know that you're parked in a disabled space ?"

"Yes"

"And you're not displaying a disabled sticker are you sir ?"

"No"
" Do you have a disability sir ?"

"Yes"
"Would you mind telling me what it is please sir ?"

"Tourettes. Now fook off"
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » April 17th, 2019, 1:56 pm

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic Team ?



Thats because anyone who can run , jump or swim has already gone to the US


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What has two legs and bleeds ? Half a dog


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What type of bees produce milk ? Boobies


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Pontypaul

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Pontypaul » April 17th, 2019, 6:01 pm

Man visits his Doctor and says he keeps seeing spots before his eyes.
Doctor: “Have you seen an optician?”
Man: “No, only spots”
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mad norm

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby mad norm » April 17th, 2019, 10:12 pm

Classic Tommy Cooper

Patient. " Each time I bend my elbow it hurts"
Doctor. "Well don't do it then"
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rncfc

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby rncfc » April 18th, 2019, 9:23 am

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila.
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » April 18th, 2019, 4:44 pm

I went over to Paris yesterday to submit a quote to rebuild the Notre Dame. Jumped out of my van and put on my hi-viz jacket.

Next thing I know is the French police are kicking seven shades of s@#t out of me.
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JonD

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby JonD » April 20th, 2019, 3:26 pm

Tom Owen-Evans has done well given his diminutive status:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Owen-Evans
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » April 20th, 2019, 10:30 pm

I once asked a lady to rate my listening skills.

She said, “you’re an eight on a scale of ten”.

Till this day I have no idea why she wanted me pee on a skeleton.
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » April 20th, 2019, 10:31 pm

JonD wrote:Tom Owen-Evans has done well given his diminutive status:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Owen-Evans


Tom Thumb.
On a serious note, I spoke to someone at yesterday's game who said TOE will be back with us next season.
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penycwm county

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby penycwm county » April 23rd, 2019, 6:02 pm

DeePeeNCAFC wrote:
JonD wrote:Tom Owen-Evans has done well given his diminutive status:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Owen-Evans


Tom Thumb.
On a serious note, I spoke to someone at yesterday's game who said TOE will be back with us next season.

Thats not very funny !
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