Can we have a jokes thread?

If it ain't amber or ain't football then it belongs here!
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » January 30th, 2020, 1:47 pm

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » January 30th, 2020, 1:51 pm

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » February 5th, 2020, 9:15 am

Anyone see the clip on Match of the Day last night when a Newcastle fan got 'over excited' after his team nicked an extra time winner in the FA Cup v Oxford? He pulled down his trousers, got out his dick and pretended to have a tug! All on live TV, stood next to an advertising hoarding promoting Viagra, in the family section. Kn*b!

Reminds me of an old joke.....

Guy visits the sperm donor clinic, the nurse says to him "Can you masturbate in the cup?", he replies "Well, I'm good at it but not sure I'm up to competition standard".
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newgroundrodney

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby newgroundrodney » February 5th, 2020, 10:16 am

Why does it take 4 women with PMT just to change a light bulb?......." cos it just f***ing well does ok!!"...
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » February 5th, 2020, 1:07 pm

The American guy who paid $5000 for a ticket to the Superbowl and slept through the entire game
#knobhead
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Stan A. Einstein

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » February 5th, 2020, 8:05 pm

neilcork68 wrote:The American guy who paid $5000 for a ticket to the Superbowl and slept through the entire game
#knobhead


He's the brother of an Irish Labour Party TD (MP)
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llanwern exile

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Usually in the milton

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby llanwern exile » February 15th, 2020, 12:21 pm

Her-Why can't you take me out for a meal
Him- cos I don't go out with married women
Her- But i'm your wife
Him- I make no exceptions.
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llanwern exile

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby llanwern exile » February 15th, 2020, 12:32 pm

Dai finds a prostitute and asks how much for full sex, £20 she replied ok sad dai and took her up a dark ally and got down to business, after a short time a copper comes in the ally and shines his torch on their faces, whats going on here then said the copper its all right said dai i'm just having sex with the wife, i'm sorry said the copper I didn't realise she was your wife, neither did I said dai until you shone that f***** torch in her face.
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