Can we have a jokes thread?

[DeePeeNCAFC]

A man asked his wife “ what would you do if I won the lottery?” His wife replied “ I’d take half and pack my bags and leave you!” Great, he said I’ve won £12.00...... there’s £6, pack your bags, off you go.

[DeePeeNCAFC]

I’ve just heard Sting has been kidnapped. The police have no lead.

[DeePeeNCAFC]

National Diarrhoea Week starts on Monday, runs until Friday.

[Stan A. Einstein]

So this shark is swimming in the ocean and he sees a squid. "How you feeling?" asks the shark, "Fine" replies the squid. So the shark swims off. Half hour later the shark sees another squid. "How you feeling?" asks the shark. "Great" replies the squid. So the shark again swims off. Ten minutes later the shark sees another squid. "How you feeling?" asks the shark. "Dog rough" replies the squid, "must have been something I ate."
At this the shark grabs the squid in it's jaws and swims off to find his wife. He gives his wife the the terrified creature saying, "Here you are love, it's the sick squid I owe you."

[DeePeeNCAFC]

It's amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence
For example:
- Stan ate his friend's sandwich.
- Stan ate his friend's colon.