There's a Swansea fella, a Cardiff fella, and a Newport fella, worked on a building site:
One day at lunch break, they open their boxes:
The Swansea fella said, "Bloody hell, I'm fed up of ham sandwiches. If i get ham sandwiches tomorrow, I swear I'll top myself!"
The Cardiff fella said, "Bloody hell, I'm fed up of cheese sandwiches. If i get cheese sandwiches tomorrow, I swear I'll top myself!"
The Newport fella said, "Bloody hell, I'm fed up of lemon curd sandwiches. If I get lemon curd tomorrow, I swear I'll top myself!"

The following day at lunch, they open their boxes:
The Swansea fella sees he has got ham, walks up to the top of the scaffold, and jumps off head first...dead!
The Cardiff fella sees he has got cheese, walks up to the top of the scaffold, and jumps off head first....dead!
The Newport fella sees he has got lemon curd, walks up to the top of the scaffold and jumps off head first....dead!

When the Police arrived, the site foreman said, "All I can tell you Inspector, is that they were all really fed up about their sandwiches and threatened to commit suicide, and it appears they've kept their word....very sad day on site...mind you, Ican't understand the Newport fella killing himself, he made his OWN sandwiches!"....

I have just got home to find my Wife has left me due to my Pasta fondling fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three - the first to change the light bulb, the second to buy the commemorative Manchester United Light bulb Change DVD, and the third to drive the other two back to London.

penycwm county wrote:How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three - the first to change the light bulb, the second to buy the commemorative Manchester United Light bulb Change DVD, and the third to drive the other two back to London.

I thought it was four. The fourth one to chant at other fans (Liverpool mostly), 'we have changed more light bulbs than you'.

The ref against Lincoln home ........
(No punchline sorry , guys !)

penycwm county wrote:How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three - the first to change the light bulb, the second to buy the commemorative Manchester United Light bulb Change DVD, and the third to drive the other two back to London.

How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one but that lightbulb really needs to want to change.

How many Spanish people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan.

Version 2

Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.

Mum is in the kitchen preparing tea for the family and her daughter walks in and asks her a question,
'' Mummy , where do babies come from ?'' asks the daughter,

Mum thinks for a moment then answers her....''well honey , when a man and women fall in love , they decide to get married. One night when they are married they go to bed and hug and kiss, this sometimes goes on until they make love''
Does that mean you have sex and its when a man puts his willy into a ladies vagina ? '' asks the daughter..
''Yes that's correct,'' mum answers back.
Rather quizzically the daughter looks at her mother.........''So when I walked into your bedroom last night you had Daddies penis in your mouth , what does that get you ? '' asks the daughter.




''Jewelry my dear and lots of it''

Three guy go on a skiing holiday together but on reaching the chalet they discover there is only one bed to sleep on and nowhere else to sleep.
It was a huge Queen size bed and they all decided they were all men of the world , happily married and it wouldnt do any harm to share.
Anyway they all go to bed and are all sound asleep within minutes of their heads hitting the pillow after such a long day travelling.

At the breakfast table none of them could look at each other.....


''Whats wrong with you? '' asks one man

''well when I was asleep last night I dreamt I was getting a hand job, '' answered one.

'' you know what'' , said another , '' I dreamt the same .''











''Its ok for you two ,'' answered the third guy,( the one who had slept in the middle of the three '' I dreamt I was skiing all night.''

Like them Neil, you dirty dog !

Daffy Duck is staying at the Celtic Manor after a hard day's filming. He strikes it lucky with Minnie Mouse and calls Reception and asks for a condom.

"Shall we put in on your bill Sir"? they ask.

"Are you thucking thupid? I'll thuffocate"

My kids got in a right hump today, just because I added ginger to the curry for dinner.

To be fair though, they did love that cat.

What do you call a female police officer who shaves her minge?

Constable.

The divorce lawyer is talking to Mickey Mouse. "I'm sorry but having prominent teeth does not give you grounds to divorce Mini Mouse."

"I didn't say she had prominent teeth," replies Micky, "I said she was f@cking Goofy."