Can we have a jokes thread?

If it ain't amber or ain't football then it belongs here!
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » December 9th, 2019, 6:10 am

Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs?
From Jason's doner van.
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » December 9th, 2019, 10:36 pm

Bit controversial this one -

Police are investigating the Newport County first team after an allegation of assault was made at the Bradford City game.

Mike Flynn is reported as dismissing the allegations, saying his first team never came close to attacking anything all day.
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » December 12th, 2019, 7:19 pm

Heard there was absolute chaos at the polling station in Newport Central today. Every time anyone tried to put a cross in the box Mark O'Brien headed it clear.
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Willthiswork

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Willthiswork » December 13th, 2019, 1:19 pm

DeePeeNCAFC wrote:Heard there was absolute chaos at the polling station in Newport Central today. Every time anyone tried to put a cross in the box Mark O'Brien headed it clear.
...and Robbie Willmott failed to get his cross in the box.
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Willthiswork

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Willthiswork » January 11th, 2020, 3:23 pm

My wife wanted to go to the canaries for her birthday.
How ungrateful. Got us good seats but apparently watching Norwich City wasn't what she meant.
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » January 17th, 2020, 9:29 pm

A couple took in an 25-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the effin' darts team hadn't"
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » January 17th, 2020, 9:48 pm

Neil Harris goes to church to make a confession".
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned!"
The Priest replies "Come forth my child!"
Harris replies: " Come forth? We'll be lucky if we finish in the top half"!
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » January 17th, 2020, 10:15 pm

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all of their food?

I’ve joined a dating website for lonely pyromaniacs.
I’m still looking for the perfect match.

I went to the doctors. I said I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass Of Home". He says "You have got Tom Jones Syndrome".

I said "Is that common"?

He says, "Well it's not unusual".


All the top football teams have their own television channel nowadays.

Chelsea have ChelseaTV, Man United have MUTV and Spurs have The History Channel.


I was sitting at home watching Match of the day when the missus walks in and asks me if I wanted sex. I said "Yes, that would be great but can I watch this first"?
She replies "You do know you can record it don't you?" I said "Nice idea, you get the camcorder set up and I'll be up in an hour when this finishes".


I wonder if it's true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away or whether it's just another one of Granny's myths?
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » January 17th, 2020, 10:31 pm

And finally, here's a joke for Brendan -

Paddy opens his lunchbox at work and found wires sticking out of his sandwich so he phoned the police.

"Hello, I think there's a bomb in my sandwich".

"Okay, is it tickin?" the policeman replied"

"No" Paddy said. "I think its tuna".
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Stan A. Einstein

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » January 18th, 2020, 11:26 am

DeePeeNCAFC wrote:And finally, here's a joke for Brendan -

Paddy opens his lunchbox at work and found wires sticking out of his sandwich so he phoned the police.

"Hello, I think there's a bomb in my sandwich".

"Okay, is it tickin?" the policeman replied"

"No" Paddy said. "I think its tuna".


Taff is playing domino's with Paddy, Mick and Connor.

Paddy puts down the double six. Mick lays the three and the four, Connor lays the 0ne and the two. And Taff says I can't go.
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » January 20th, 2020, 10:11 pm

Stan A. Einstein wrote:
DeePeeNCAFC wrote:And finally, here's a joke for Brendan -

Paddy opens his lunchbox at work and found wires sticking out of his sandwich so he phoned the police.

"Hello, I think there's a bomb in my sandwich".

"Okay, is it tickin?" the policeman replied"

"No" Paddy said. "I think its tuna".


Taff is playing domino's with Paddy, Mick and Connor.

Paddy puts down the double six. Mick lays the three and the four, Connor lays the 0ne and the two. And Taff says I can't go.


I haven't played dominoes for years and don't expect to again until I'm aged about 78. So excuse the stupidity if I'm wrong, but couldn't Taff only have a double blank (no dots on his last domino) left hence he wouldn't be able to play?
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mad norm

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In a Station Lane not as long as Warnhams

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby mad norm » January 21st, 2020, 2:43 pm

Still trying to figure out that one now :shock:
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Stan A. Einstein

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » January 21st, 2020, 4:35 pm

Nobody could go.
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UPTHEPORT

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The Republic of Malpas

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby UPTHEPORT » January 27th, 2020, 7:12 pm

On Who wants to be a millionaire Chris Tarrant asked Paddy

"Which of these were involved in the great train robbery"
(A) Ronnie Biggs. (B) Ronnie Corbett.(C) Ronnie Barker. or(D) Ronnie O' Sullivan ?

Paddy thinks for a while and says "I've had a great day Chris but I'll take the £200 thanks"

Chris Tarrant "Don't be silly Paddy, you've still got 3 life lines left"


Paddy "Chris I may be silly, but I aint no f*cking no grass" :mrgreen:
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » January 30th, 2020, 1:46 pm

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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