Can we have a jokes thread?

[UPTHEPORT]

Man dies

When he gets to heaven, he runs into Saint Peter. He also sees a bunch of clocks on the wall. “What are all those clocks for?” the man asked. “Well,” said Saint Peter, “Those clocks move every time someone lies, see that clock over there, that one belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved. “ “Well what about that one?” asked the man. “That one, belongs to Abraham Lincoln it’s only moved twice.” said Saint Peter. “Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?” asked the man. Saint Peter replied, “It’s in Jesus’s office, he likes to use it as a fan.”

[neilcork68]

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

[neilcork68]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

[neilcork68]

What's the difference between hungry and horny?




Where you stick the cucumber.

[neilcork68]

How is life like toilet paper?


You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

[neilcork68]

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."
"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a **** like that!"

[UPTHEPORT]

With so many sporting events being cancelled, they’re going to televise the World Origami Championships.
It’s on Paperview.

[neilcork68]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[neilcork68]

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

[neilcork68]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

[neilcork68]

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

[DeePeeNCAFC]

I tried to contact Tottenham Hotspur FC earlier, phoned they don't have a website as they can't string 3 'W' s together.

Instead I was directed to their phone number -
0800 10 10 10.

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

[DeePeeNCAFC]

Stan goes into a Dublin florist shop and says "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looks at him and says "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?"

"A shag" says Stan.

[neilcork68]

I tried to contact Tottenham Hotspur FC earlier, phoned they don't have a website as they can't string 3 'W' s together.

Instead I was directed to their phone number -
0800 10 10 10.

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

As an armchair tv Arsenal fan after my beloved County I enjoyed that......

[neilcork68]

I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,
“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”