Can we have a jokes thread?

If it ain't amber or ain't football then it belongs here!
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Stan A. Einstein

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » June 5th, 2019, 4:22 pm

Two men are crawling through the desert really thirsty. They happen upon a colourful market full of tents. At the first tent they ask for water but are told that all that is sold is sponge with jelly and custard. "That's no good," says the first man "we need water." The men drag themselves to the second tent and again ask for water. "Sorry" says the market trader, "all I sell is sponge with jelly and custard." At the third tent again they are told that all that is sold is sponge with jelly and custard. Indeed at every single stall they are informed that all that is sold is sponge with jelly and custard.

Finally they leave once more to wander the burning sands. "That was really odd." says the first chap, to which his companion replies.

"Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."
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newgroundrodney

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby newgroundrodney » June 7th, 2019, 2:52 pm

There's a Muslim, a Jew & a Catholic, floating up to heaven after dying in the same road crash:
When they get there, they're waiting at the gates, and an angel comes out to guide them to their respective heavenly realms:
Walking down a long corridor, they stop at a beautifully ornate set of gold doors;
Opening the doors, he says to the Muslim, "here you go, Mohammed, Abu Bakr, and all of the ancient prophets are waiting, enjoy paradise, you have earned it"......
Walking along, they come to a tall set of double wooden doors:
He opens it, and says to the Jew, "here you are, there are Moses, Joshua, Gideon & Noah, all waiting for you. Enjoy heaven, you have earned it"........
He turns to the Catholic man, and says, "sorry to keep you waiting, follow me, your heaven is down the end of the corridor"...
As they near the end, they come up towards a velvet curtain on the left:
The angel says to the Catholic in very hushed tones, almost a whisper: "walk quietly past the curtain, no talking"....
"Why's that?" whispered the Catholic.....to which the angel replied quietly: "because that particular room is full of Jehovah's Witnesses, and they're convinced they're the only ones up here"....
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » June 7th, 2019, 10:37 pm

A pregnant woman of triplets was visiting her bank when unfortunately three bank robbers burst in and started shooting their guns indiscriminately at the customers.
Sevearal hours later she woke up in hospital where she was given the bad news that she had been hit three times by the gun fire and each of her babies had taken one bullet each.....
These three babies had been hit and the Doctors decided that they would have to leave the bullets inside of the babies as it would be too dangerous to remove them and it could do them more harm than good.

Anyway many years past and the now teenage children had shown no ill effects from the bullets that remained inside of them until one day when the mum was sitting down watching tv when she heard a blood curdling scream coming from one of the daughters rooms. She rushed upstairs to investigate and was met by her daughter screaming and crying ..''mum I have just started my period and inside of my sanitary towel I found a bullet'' screamed the girl.........Great thought the Mum , at least thats one child safe without a bullet inside of her...


Several weeks later and the same thing happened with her other daughter..........


A few years went by when yet again whilst watching TV the Mum heard screaming coming from her sons bedroom..She rushed upstairs to see what the problem was only to be greeted by her son at his bedroom door....
''Whats wrong ?'' asked the Mum...





After several minutes the embarrassed boy replied , ''I was having a wank and I shot the dog''
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Rhys with an H

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Rhys with an H » June 10th, 2019, 10:01 pm

I've just got back from a holiday of a lifetime, never doing that again.
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » June 10th, 2019, 10:39 pm

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » June 10th, 2019, 10:47 pm

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"


There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » June 10th, 2019, 10:49 pm

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » July 4th, 2019, 10:09 pm

Bought a really valuable pencil at a car-boot sale at the weekend. Vendor convinced me Shakespeare used it to write some of his plays. Problem is The Bard has chewed the end of the pencil so I can't be sure if it's 2B or not 2B
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JonD

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby JonD » July 5th, 2019, 7:51 am

Steppenwolf is actually an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wilde.
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pembsexile

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby pembsexile » July 5th, 2019, 5:21 pm

OK, you need to use your imagination for this one because the narrator has a speech impediment.

A 6 foot 6ins man man with a speech impediment is on a bus and he doesn't know where to get off to go to Waterloo station. He taps the guy in front of him and says, 'ethcuthe me mate, can you tell me where I get off the buth for Waterloo thtation pleathe'. The guy completely ignores him. He tries again and says, 'ethcuthe me mate, can you tell me where I get off the buth for Waterloo thtation pleathe. He is ignored again. He tries for a third time and says the same thing and is ignored again.

A man behind him hears his distress and says to him, 'mate, if you want to go to Waterloo station, get off the bus two stops ahead, turn left and it is 300 yards in front of you. The guy says, 'thank you vethy much'. Two stops ahead he gets off the bus.

The man who answered him turned to the man who ignored him and says, ' I think you are very rude, there was absolutely no reason to ignore that man just because he had a speech impediment, why didn't you answer him?'. The guy replies, 'what, and get my thucking head kicked in'.
Last edited by pembsexile on July 6th, 2019, 9:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
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mad norm

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby mad norm » July 6th, 2019, 7:56 am

Got this off Facebook today from an ex Art College lady aquaintance
On the "We know what we are theme"
In 1272 the Welsh invented the condom by using the end of a sheep's intestine
In 1783 the English had an idea to refine it and take it out of the sheep first.
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » July 6th, 2019, 1:25 pm

Sad to hear of racing pundit John McCririck's death yesterday.
Apparently he died at 10/1.
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mad norm

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby mad norm » July 6th, 2019, 1:37 pm

GROAN
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JonD

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby JonD » July 7th, 2019, 9:55 am

Why do dogs float in water?

Because they're very good buoys.
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UPTHEPORT

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby UPTHEPORT » July 7th, 2019, 4:45 pm

DeePeeNCAFC wrote:Sad to hear of racing pundit John McCririck's death yesterday.
Apparently he died at 10/1.



Funeral will be at 10/1 followed by cremation at 5/2 and wake at 5/4 :mrgreen:
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