Can we have a jokes thread?

[llanwern exile]

Mick & Paddy were reading head stones
Mick says jebus theres a bloke here who was 152
Paddy says whats his name?
Mick replies "Miles, from London.

[llanwern exile]

Bloody fuming,
just been asked by a bunch of kids outside the spar shop if I could get them 20 richmonds,
when I came out and handed them over I got a shit load of abuse off the little f@@kers,
next time they can get their own sausages.

[llanwern exile]

Just picked the missus up from slimmers club,
she asked if I could give a couple of her mates a lift,
as they were squeezing in I murmered fat cows,
what did you say she said,
I said you herd.

[llanwern exile]

My boss texted me,
can you send me one of your funny jokes,
I replied I am working at the moment I will send you one later,
brilliant he replied......send me another.

[DeePeeNCAFC]

Got a text from my wife on Saturday, said she was in casualty.
Got home and watched the whole 40min programme but didn't spot her. She still hasn't come home and I've had to make my own dinner.

[DeePeeNCAFC]

This is a quality montage, just don't know if I've managed to post the link correctly.

https://twitter.com/statuses/1149818501261156352

[mad norm]

Brilliant

[llanwern exile]

Mick says paddy i'm thinking of buying a Labrador,
**** me say's paddy you don't want to do that,
most people that buy them go blind.

[Corpaboy]

Some bloke was on the BBC News earlier and announced Boris Johnson is our new Prime Minister !!!!

(Pissed myself at that one !!)

[Stan A. Einstein]

Some bloke was on the BBC News earlier and announced Boris Johnson is our new Prime Minister !!!!

(Pissed myself at that one !!)

Now that the UK have replaced the most incompetent Prime Minister ever with Doris Johnson, nee Bunions, I rather think a jokes thread is redundant.

[Corpaboy]

Some bloke was on the BBC News earlier and announced Boris Johnson is our new Prime Minister !!!!

(Pissed myself at that one !!)

Now that the UK have replaced the most incompetent Prime Minister ever with Doris Johnson, nee Bunions, I rather think a jokes thread is redundant.

I concur , Brendan ..... Nothing could make a bigger joke than that !

[Exile 1976]

Some bloke was on the BBC News earlier and announced Boris Johnson is our new Prime Minister !!!!

(Pissed myself at that one !!)

Now that the UK have replaced the most incompetent Prime Minister ever with Doris Johnson, nee Bunions, I rather think a jokes thread is redundant.

I concur , Brendan ..... Nothing could make a bigger joke than that !

At least Sterling recovered a bit against the Euro ....just in time for my holiday.

[llanwern exile]

Bob decided to go golfing with his buddy, Ray.
So they loaded up Bob's minivan and headed out. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible thunder storm. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Bob said, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golfing.
But about nine months later, Bob got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Ray and asked, 'Ray, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Ray
'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Ray said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her MY name instead of telling her your name?'
Ray's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.

[JonD]

I played football yesterday on a pitch surfaced with compacted rubble and broken bricks.

Won 3-2 on aggregate.

[llanwern exile]

2 Muslims crashed a boat into a bridge in whalley bridge Derbyshire, police said not to worry as it was the start of ramadam.