Why did a scarecrow win an award ?











Its because he was outstanding in his field

A girl walks into a supermarket. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.

The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."

She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"

He says, "Because you're ugly."

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "It’s an hour fast."

I went to the pet shop yesterday I fancied starting a bee hive so started of small by asking for a dozen bees so he put them all into a box

When I got home I opened the box there was 15 bees FFS! I phoned the pet shop and said listen I'm an honest man I asked for 12 bees I got 15 the pet shop owner said don't worry I gave you a few freebees

On the subject of bees.

Man walks into a petrol station with a jerrycan and says.

''Can o' BP.''

To which the assistant replies ''I dunno, but a fish can fart, I've seen the bubbles.''

When I first started my support group for perverted ice cream men, they came in their hundreds and thousands.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super- secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

My wife just left to go to the hairdressers, she asked me what cut would make her more attractive, apparently a power cut was the wrong answer.

Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.

The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me £1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a pound out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.

The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me £10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.

The woman continues: “If you give me £100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

A beautiful lady walks in to see her gynaecologist. He
takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Y...es," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

Neil Warnock's house was burgled on Saturday afternoon.

Police are apparently questioning the Cardiff City midfield as nobody knows where they were between 15:00 and 16:45.

Just got sent a hilarious joke on wottsapp. Here is the text of it.

Friend of mine was explaining that he had seen an advert for a fanny waxing assistant. When he looked at the job description it said that you had to take down the ladies panties and moisturise the fancy prior to waxing.

He contacted the number on the advert to ask for an interview. The chap said, 'you'll have to go to Cornwall'. 'What', he said, 'I thought the job was in Newport'. 'No', he said, 'that is the back of the queue'!

Brilliant.

pembsexile wrote:Just got sent a hilarious joke on wottsapp. Here is the text of it.

Friend of mine was explaining that he had seen an advert for a fanny waxing assistant. When he looked at the job description it said that you had to take down the ladies panties and moisturise the fancy prior to waxing.

He contacted the number on the advert to ask for an interview. The chap said, 'you'll have to go to Cornwall'. 'What', he said, 'I thought the job was in Newport'. 'No', he said, 'that is the back of the queue'!

Brilliant.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”