Can we have a jokes thread?

If it ain't amber or ain't football then it belongs here!
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » September 29th, 2019, 10:44 pm

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » September 29th, 2019, 10:45 pm

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa...













naked.
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » September 29th, 2019, 10:47 pm

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?"
Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!"


The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » September 29th, 2019, 10:53 pm

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » September 29th, 2019, 10:58 pm

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"


She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
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newgroundrodney

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby newgroundrodney » September 30th, 2019, 6:53 pm

I see bus fares in Birmingham are going up by 2 rupees.
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mad norm

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby mad norm » September 30th, 2019, 9:19 pm

:shock:

:grin:

:shock:

:mrgreen:
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » October 7th, 2019, 8:59 pm

I stole a leg of lamb from Tesco last week and the security guard chased me across the car park shouting “Oi! What are you doing with that?” I shouted back “roast potatoes,Yorkshire pudding and veg!”
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JonD

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby JonD » October 15th, 2019, 4:58 pm

Another wooden ball. Really, would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
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Stan A. Einstein

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » October 16th, 2019, 11:57 am

There is a Pakistani, a Jew, and an Englishman walking down the street together.

A perfect example of the inclusive multicultural society we all should strive for.
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DeePeeNCAFC

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » October 16th, 2019, 9:49 pm

Stan A. Einstein wrote:There is a Pakistani, a Jew, and an Englishman walking down the street together.

A perfect example of the inclusive multicultural society we all should strive for.


This is a thread for jokes Stan, not for aspirations.
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Stan A. Einstein

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » October 17th, 2019, 9:07 am

DeePeeNCAFC wrote:
Stan A. Einstein wrote:There is a Pakistani, a Jew, and an Englishman walking down the street together.

A perfect example of the inclusive multicultural society we all should strive for.


This is a thread for jokes Stan, not for aspirations.


We clearly have a different sense of humour. :grin:
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Stan A. Einstein

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » October 17th, 2019, 9:40 pm

Years ago I worked as a barman. One night a woman walks in and asked for a double entendre.

So I give her one.
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newgroundrodney

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby newgroundrodney » October 18th, 2019, 3:01 pm

The Capital City of which European country, has the fastest growth in population?

Ireland, cos it keeps Dublin, and Dublin, and Dublin.........
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neilcork68

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Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » October 24th, 2019, 8:44 am

Whats the difference between your WIFE and your JOB ?









After 5 years your JOB will stick suck
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