What do boobs and toys have in common ?








Both were designed for kids but Dads enjoy playing with them more

Whats the difference with a woman with PMS and a terrorist ?








You can negotiate with a terrorist

A woman walks into a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager.
The cashier goes to the manager's office and says...
"There's a woman to see you; she's £100 in arrears."

Police are called after burglars broke into the Cardiff City trophy room. Police have put out an appeal, looking for anyone who's suddenly acquired a blue carpet and a set of shelves in 'new condition'.

Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces using only the power of my mind?
Thought knot.

My mate who has a stutter was telling us all about his nana.
By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

Took my kids to McDonalds for lunch the other day, girl behind the counter said "Sorry about the wait". Ever the diplomat I replied "Don't worry love, I'm sure you'll lose it eventually".

I rang Southampton FC to ask what time do they kick off in their next home game. They replied "About every ten minutes".

Went to a fancy dress shop today to get a Vampire Costume for a bonfire party, The girl behind the counter gave me a Cardiff City kit... I said.. "Sorry love, you mis-heard me, I want to look like a COUNT

My mate said, "I like your car."

I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."

He said, "How about I buy it off you."

I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"

He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

Harps did a good one last night with his assessments of our teams performance....
Sheehan a 10

He had a good game but a 10 ?????

RECTUM

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."