Can we have a jokes thread?

If it ain't amber or ain't football then it belongs here!
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » January 30th, 2020, 1:47 pm

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » January 30th, 2020, 1:51 pm

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
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DeePeeNCAFC

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby DeePeeNCAFC » February 5th, 2020, 9:15 am

Anyone see the clip on Match of the Day last night when a Newcastle fan got 'over excited' after his team nicked an extra time winner in the FA Cup v Oxford? He pulled down his trousers, got out his dick and pretended to have a tug! All on live TV, stood next to an advertising hoarding promoting Viagra, in the family section. Kn*b!

Reminds me of an old joke.....

Guy visits the sperm donor clinic, the nurse says to him "Can you masturbate in the cup?", he replies "Well, I'm good at it but not sure I'm up to competition standard".
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newgroundrodney

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby newgroundrodney » February 5th, 2020, 10:16 am

Why does it take 4 women with PMT just to change a light bulb?......." cos it just f***ing well does ok!!"...
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » February 5th, 2020, 1:07 pm

The American guy who paid $5000 for a ticket to the Superbowl and slept through the entire game
#knobhead
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Stan A. Einstein

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Stan A. Einstein » February 5th, 2020, 8:05 pm

neilcork68 wrote:The American guy who paid $5000 for a ticket to the Superbowl and slept through the entire game
#knobhead


He's the brother of an Irish Labour Party TD (MP)
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llanwern exile

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Usually in the milton

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby llanwern exile » February 15th, 2020, 12:21 pm

Her-Why can't you take me out for a meal
Him- cos I don't go out with married women
Her- But i'm your wife
Him- I make no exceptions.
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llanwern exile

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Usually in the milton

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby llanwern exile » February 15th, 2020, 12:32 pm

Dai finds a prostitute and asks how much for full sex, £20 she replied ok sad dai and took her up a dark ally and got down to business, after a short time a copper comes in the ally and shines his torch on their faces, whats going on here then said the copper its all right said dai i'm just having sex with the wife, i'm sorry said the copper I didn't realise she was your wife, neither did I said dai until you shone that f***** torch in her face.
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mad norm

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In a Station Lane not as long as Warnhams

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby mad norm » March 25th, 2020, 10:51 am

Doing the rounds on Faceache. Got so p!ssed last night I don't remember coming home from the kitchen :drunken:
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » March 26th, 2020, 9:28 pm

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » March 26th, 2020, 9:31 pm

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » March 26th, 2020, 9:32 pm

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » March 26th, 2020, 9:35 pm

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.
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neilcork68

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby neilcork68 » March 26th, 2020, 9:38 pm

Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewellery. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great t*ts and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
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Elmo

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Swansea

Re: Can we have a jokes thread?

Postby Elmo » March 27th, 2020, 5:44 pm

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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