It's really hard to break up with an optician! Everytime I say "I can't see you any more" she moves 2 steps closer & says "How about now?"

What'd you call an entertainer with a biscuit on his head? Lionel rich tea!

We're thinking of getting rid of our hoover. All it does is gather dust!

A drunk goes into a library and says I'll have fish & chips please. The librarian replys do you know this is a library? The drunk says I'll have fish & chips please (whispered)!

A group of school friends now aged 40 decided to have a reunion & after much debate decided to go to Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big boobs & wore miniskirts

10 years later now aged 50, the group decided to have another reunion & after much debate decided to go to Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food & service was good & the beer selection was excellent

10 years later now aged 60, the group decided to have another reunion & after much debate decided to go to Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking & they could dine in peace & quiet & it was good value for money

10 years later now aged 70, the group decided to have another reunion & after much debate decided to go to Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible & had a toilet for the disabled

10 years later now aged 80, the group decided to have another reunion & after much debate decided to go to Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they hadn't been there before.

A T-Rex and a Velociraptor are sitting in a bar. The Velociraptor points to a Triceratops in the corner and says, "Why is he first to get served?" The T-Rex says, "Because he was herbivorous!"

Pinched from Twitter


David Beckham's son starts a warm up match in training at Brentford,he asks what number shirt he should wear?

"Wear four out there Romeo"

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."

"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."

"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea.





You’re running but can’t remember where.

"My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.




Guess who came crawling back?"

What’s the difference between Iron Man & Iron Woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a simple instruction.