What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?
The wheelchair.
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
287"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
289At least they triedDeePeeNCAFC wrote: February 2nd, 2023, 6:52 pm https://www.foxestalk.co.uk/uploads/mon ... e46880.jpg
Could've put a vole or a cockapoo there
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
290Todays latest post from Chairman Dripford and his cronies about road improvements ( or lack of ) in Wales
How can anyone with half a brain think that a rural country like Wales can have Public Transport as the answer to the problems the infrastructure has ?
How can anyone with half a brain think that a rural country like Wales can have Public Transport as the answer to the problems the infrastructure has ?
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
291Woman had cosmetic surgery on her fanny to reduce her rather large fleshy bits
Recovering well in hospital she was given three red roses
One with love from her husband
Two from her surgeon wishing her well
And a third from a guy in the burns unit thanking her for his new ears
Recovering well in hospital she was given three red roses
One with love from her husband
Two from her surgeon wishing her well
And a third from a guy in the burns unit thanking her for his new ears
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
292"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”"
She is not “fun to be around.”"
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
293Two-year-old spits food on the floor
Wife: We don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband: *raises eyebrows*
Wife: You shut up!
Wife: We don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband: *raises eyebrows*
Wife: You shut up!
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
294A child kills a butterfly.
Father says, “No butter for two weeks!”
The child kills a honeybee.
Father says, “No honey for two weeks!”
Mom kills a cockroach.
The child turns to his Father and says, “Are you gonna tell her or should I do it?”
Father says, “No butter for two weeks!”
The child kills a honeybee.
Father says, “No honey for two weeks!”
Mom kills a cockroach.
The child turns to his Father and says, “Are you gonna tell her or should I do it?”
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
295A woman was sitting in her kitchen drinking her coffee......
A few minutes pass and she heard her front door bell ring....she got up and went to answer the door...
When she opened the door there was a strange man standing outside who spoke to her....." Do you have a vagina ?"........in disgust she slammed the door in his face..
This happened the next morning.......then the next morning and the next.
Feeling worried and scared by this she told her husband of her fears.....
" Don't worry Darling , I will have a day off work tomorrow and see if he turns up again and sort him out.....
Anyway , next morning they were both sitting at their kitchen table drinking coffee when there was a knock on the door..
" Don't worry love , go to the door and answer it , if it's the same guy and he asks you the same question say yes and I will know it's him and sort it out"
"Do you have a vagina ? " asks the visitor.
"Yes , I do have a vagina " she answers.
Just before her husband was about to confront the visitor at the door the visitor replied , " Well please tell your husband to use yours and leave my wife's alone."
A few minutes pass and she heard her front door bell ring....she got up and went to answer the door...
When she opened the door there was a strange man standing outside who spoke to her....." Do you have a vagina ?"........in disgust she slammed the door in his face..
This happened the next morning.......then the next morning and the next.
Feeling worried and scared by this she told her husband of her fears.....
" Don't worry Darling , I will have a day off work tomorrow and see if he turns up again and sort him out.....
Anyway , next morning they were both sitting at their kitchen table drinking coffee when there was a knock on the door..
" Don't worry love , go to the door and answer it , if it's the same guy and he asks you the same question say yes and I will know it's him and sort it out"
"Do you have a vagina ? " asks the visitor.
"Yes , I do have a vagina " she answers.
Just before her husband was about to confront the visitor at the door the visitor replied , " Well please tell your husband to use yours and leave my wife's alone."
Last edited by neilcork68 on April 1st, 2023, 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
296It's 3am and a man is in bed with his wife when suddenly there is a knock on the front door...
Looking at the clock he thinks bugger it and rolls over to try and go back to sleep.
A few minutes pass and there is a louder knock on the door.
"Who the hell is that knocking the door at this time?" asks his wife.
" I don't know but I suppose I will have to find out" he replies.
He goes down stairs and answers the door and is confronted by a man who seems very drunk.
""Excuse me Sir , My car's broken down. Can I have a push ? " the drunken man asks...
" Sod off its 3 am and your drunk..I am going back to bed" was the homeowners response.
On hearing this his wife scolds the man.
" That wasn't very Christian of you. Remember a few months ago when we broke down in the middle of nowhere. You knocked on a stranger's door asking for help and if they didn't help , we would have been in big trouble" she said
"OK , I know . I will try to find him and help out"
He quickly puts on his trousers and goes outside.
" Excuse me , are you still there and do you still need a push ? " He shouts out.
From a distance he hears a faint reply..." Yes please "
"OK where are you , I can't see you through the fog" he calls out again.
" I' m over here on the swing".
Looking at the clock he thinks bugger it and rolls over to try and go back to sleep.
A few minutes pass and there is a louder knock on the door.
"Who the hell is that knocking the door at this time?" asks his wife.
" I don't know but I suppose I will have to find out" he replies.
He goes down stairs and answers the door and is confronted by a man who seems very drunk.
""Excuse me Sir , My car's broken down. Can I have a push ? " the drunken man asks...
" Sod off its 3 am and your drunk..I am going back to bed" was the homeowners response.
On hearing this his wife scolds the man.
" That wasn't very Christian of you. Remember a few months ago when we broke down in the middle of nowhere. You knocked on a stranger's door asking for help and if they didn't help , we would have been in big trouble" she said
"OK , I know . I will try to find him and help out"
He quickly puts on his trousers and goes outside.
" Excuse me , are you still there and do you still need a push ? " He shouts out.
From a distance he hears a faint reply..." Yes please "
"OK where are you , I can't see you through the fog" he calls out again.
" I' m over here on the swing".
Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
299Not a joke as such more an 'anec joke' - sitting with my dad watching a news report of a celebrity [think it was Gillian Taylforth? this was a fair while ago] being caught providing an oral service to a man in the back of a car - my father [now late and a bit old school as men of his generation were] - piped up 'I just can't understand that [meaning the oral as opposed to the location of it]' I, at that time not exactly experienced in these matters myself, piped up 'oh I dunno dad I'd quite like it' 
funnier at the time.
funnier at the time.Re: Can we have a jokes thread?
300I just came across my wife's best friend's tinder profile...neilcork68 wrote: March 10th, 2023, 10:08 am "I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”"
sorry 'over'...
Too far?
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